Madison Area Herpetological Society

The Very Best of Herp Dad Jokes!

Not all educational articles in this section end up being all that educational. Some end up being more for humor and entertainment, and herp (reptile and amphibian) “dad” jokes are certainly one of those. Here you will find a simple, yet hilarious compilation of the very best herp dad jokes that we have told or know of. Stay tuned to this section for updates as we hear and think of more! Thanks to various members and contributors for some of these as well.

What did the gecko/lizard call a plumber for?
A: Because of a LEACHIE faucet!

What sort of tape to lizards prefer to buy at the store?
A: Uro-MASKING tape!

What is a turtle’s/snake’s favorite dance move?
A: The MAMBA or the MATA MATA!

Many species of toads look old and grumpy, but which species of toad looks especially old and geriatric?
A: CANE toads!

What cereal do lizards buy that inspire them to be big and strong, or have enhanced abilities?
A: KOMOD-“O”s or GECK-“O”s!

What do you call an arachnid that is on the most wanted list?
A: A SOLI-FUGITIVE!

What kind of snakes always get hired by security?
A: GUARDER snakes!

What species of snakes do the wealthy prefer to have as assistants?
A: BUTLER’S Garter snakes!!!

What species of snake do beauticians like to keep around for advice?
A: Beauty Snakes of course!

What must all amphibian police vehicles be equipped with?
A: They must have SIRENS!

What kind of Internet service do copperheads use?
A: Broadband. There’s no such thing as a “dialup” copperhead!

What kind of tortoise is always grumpy?
A: A SULK-ata

What kind of turtle never gets lost?
A: MAP turtles!

What is a fish called that is truant from school?
A: A mud-SKIPPER!

What sort of reptile is always a fugitive/committing crimes?
A: A CROOK-o-dile!

What sort of skink chooses roofing work as a profession?
A: A SHINGLE-back skink!

What do lizards say when they are disappointed?
A: That SKINKS!

Where did the crocodilians enter the bar/restaurant?
A: They CAI-MAN through the back!

Q: What is it called when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? 
A: a Tyrannosaurus wreck!

What do you call a frog that needs to save money?
A: a BUDGETT’S frog!

What do snakes go to the burger joint for?
A: MILK SHAKES!

What do you call a snake that is skilled at building things?
A: A Boa-CONSTRUCTOR!

What did one turtle say to the other turtle?
A: What’s the MATA with you!?

What kind of lizard enjoys seasoning on their food?
A: A BREADED Dragon!

What is a turtle’s favorite form of art?
A: TERRA-PAINTING!

What kind of lizards run track marathons?
A: Prairie RACE RUNNERS!!!

What do lizards ride on at the playground?
A: The TEE-GU TOTTER!

What new genre of music do pythons enjoy listening to?
A: African ROCK!

What kind of household kitchen appliance do salamanders use to make their food?
A: An eastern hellBLENDER!If snakes had hair, what sort of haircut would a rattlesnake get?
A: A BUZZ cut.What did the lizard say before going to the reptile store?
A: I-GUANA go to the reptile store!What kind of street talk do venomous snakes use?
A: BOOM-SLANG!What sort of movies are monitors allowed to watch?
A: Ones that are rated PG-PERENTIE GUIDANCE!What political slogan do snakes endorse come election time?
A: Let’s make America KRAIT again!How is toad power measured?
A: In AMP-lexus.What happens when geckos lose their tails?
A: They go to the RE-TAIL store!

What did the roach/insect say to the person after using the computer?
A: I ROACH a new message for you!Why do colubrids go to the school store?
A: They need e-RACERS!

What were the turtles called that got only average grades in school?
A: They were called “C” turtles!

What is a venomous snake called that watches too many Billy Mays commercials?
A: A KABOOM viper

Two pythons slither into a bar. What does one say to the other?
A: These prices are RETIC-ulous!

What do you call a crocodile that is going though stages of coping?
A: A deNILE crocodile! 
(can also work for Nile monitor lizard variation)

What brand of toothpaste do dentists suggest geckos use?
A: CRESTIE pro-health.

What do treefrogs say when they get old?
A: I’m becoming a GRAY Treefrog!

Where do turtles/tortoises hold convention meetings in Madison WI?
A: At the Monona TERRA-PACE!

What is it called when multiple snakes are found under the same piece of artificial cover?
A: A BOARD meeting! Get it, a BOARD meeting?

Two turtles are living in a house together. What did one turtle say to the other before leaving for work?
A: Call the PAINTERS and make sure to give them a MAP so they can be SNAPPY! Oh and the WOOD trims need to be finished before we have SOFTSHELL tacos for dinner tonight. And also move all of those ornately colored BOXES for our neighbors the BLANDING’S to the basement so they don’t develop MUSK.

Where do massasaugas go for their annual Renaissance Festival?
A: Ren in the FEN!

What did the lizards go as for Halloween?
A: Gila-MONSTERS!

Which species of python is the most in the Halloween spirit?
A: BOO-mese pythons!

Who heard about the rat snake that tried to tell jokes?
A: I hear they were CORNY!

What is a tortoise’s favorite Disney movie?
A: The HINGEBACK of Notre Dame!

Why didn’t the frog’s camera photos turn out well?
A: Because they were way too PIXIE-lated!

Why did the amphibian decide to close its bank account?
A: Because there was a suspected FRAUG (frog-*fraud)